Tennessee in the Spring

Last time I wrote, I was readying myself to leave Mazar-i-Sharif, Afganistan, and preparing for a few months in the states. I expected to write, at least once a month, while at home, but the time never seemed right, the words never came. Then, I hoped to begin writing, once a week, in Erbil, but the transition into a new home, culture, city, and job has bogged me down.  I guess I can make excuses all day long for why I didn't write or reason my way through the lack of motivation to write. Let's move on to what happened back in Tennessee during springtime.  

We spent a few days in Dubai in transit between Afghanistan and Denver. Natalie and I walked from our hotel to the Mall of the Emirates, which contains a snow skiing slope. I watched children eating McDonald's french fries, and couldn't help but think back to the kids waving to us in the streets of Mazar (and even further back to India, Ethiopia, etc...). The feeling was overwhelming but I can't put words to it. At first, it was saddening, and then I felt angry, and then apathy, which I guess was my mind's way of saying "this is too big for you, move on". Our two days there didn't seem real. It was like being in a city on a different planet. We only flew about five hours, but we changed temperatures by about 50-60 degrees Fahrenheit, went from stark and unforgiving mountains to beaches and sky-scrapers, from beat-up cars and crazy drivers to $250 k cars with 16 year old drivers.    

From Dubai, we flew to Denver where we spent a week drinking good beer, eating great food, and driving through the mountains with Natalie's aunt. And let's not forget the wonders of central heat! We felt relieved. It was like getting a breath of air after a deep dive to the bottom of a swimming pool where the water presses hard from all directions. We were groggy and jet-lagged the first few days, but by the end of the week we were wide-eyed and mystified by the familiar comforts of the United States. Natalie's aunt showed great hospitality while we stayed with her and her husband, and we can't wait to visit again at some point, or to return the favor in Iraq. Toward the end of the week, I went snow skiing with an old friend. I hadn't been since I was around 18 or so, and it was exhilarating. It reminded me of the pleasures one can find when physical activity and the outdoors are put together. I've always been fond of such things, as a way to stay mentally sharp and healthy, almost like meditation, but being in Afghanistan, unable to pursue any outdoor activity (with ease anyway), really drained me. Very thankful to my friend Ben for that experience.

We flew back to Des Moines, and traveled back to Grinnell with my friend Jordan in our Subaru, which I missed dearly in AF. We were only in Grinnell for a few weeks before packing everything up for the move back to Tennessee. These few weeks were a blur catching up at work and trying to plan out the rest of our time before the leap to Iraq. I'm one of those weirdo's that find transition sensational--leaving the known behind and heading straight into the mystery. This was true of my thoughts and emotions in the U-Haul back to TN, even if I was only transitioning back "home". 

In traveling back and forth over the past few years, I've realized that even returning home to familiar things can be quite adventurous. I think it's because we change, all of us, but when we're together we don't notice. After spending time away and returning, the changes are more noticeable. Every time I've left and returned, I've made new friends and acquaintances, but this time was unique. I only spent time with those closest to me, and didn't really meet anyone new. I kept to myself, trying to write, read, and process the past year, and more really, and also trying to pull the various pieces of my identity together from each of my experiences. I don't like being idle. I don't like not working. This was the hardest aspect of my being home. It forced me to stop and think, to rest and not worry about fulfilling obligations or goals, or pursuing dreams and ambitions. This time was preserved by the fact that work was guaranteed ahead, but there were no responsibilities for several months. It was a necessary thing before moving to Iraq for a minimum of two years, and while there were days I felt miserable and purposeless, I look back joyfully at the time I had fishing, sitting by the fire, and relaxing with the closest of family and friends. Tennessee is amazing in the spring. I want this time again, but it will be a while.